The President's Speech...

...the one he should give, that is.

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more
than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and
that you're really not fellow Americans any longer. I'll cut right to the
chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting
to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure
you: there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this
office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.

I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on
in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And
the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it
out. Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and
the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in
the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners including record
numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll
point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our
unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton
Administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem
to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded
to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these
markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of
you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's
increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of
noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than
your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil"
thing. If I was trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil
fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this
'Bush Lied People Died' crap either. If I was the liar you morons take me
for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be
'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was
faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the
goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was
official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton'
established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during
the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models
squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the
Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend
and out-tech them. That's not the case this time.

The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they
want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to
taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill
you. And the bastards are all over the globe. You should be grateful that
they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September
11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small
number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security
people have worked to make sure of that.

When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and
difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and
difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'.

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things
through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that
wars should last a few months, a few years, tops. Making matters worse, you
actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York
Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political
campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a
Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over
the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC
News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would
rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always
be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's
below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your
insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes
from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail
right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient
house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully
self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as
soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe
I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America
fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new
President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still
have a glimmer of hope that there're just enough of you remaining who are
smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I
mean.